So I was sat doing some work with my newly upgraded Microsoft Word when I noticed there’s now a button allowing you to directly publish to a blog. Cool feature, I thought. Makes me wish I had a blog. Then I thought...wait one gosh darned minute. I do have a blog!

I started it with such high hopes, then it failed miserably. Sorry about that everyone. I’m sure you were all really upset, checking for new entries every day without any reward, crying into your pillows, writing despondent poetry, that kind of thing. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

Unfortunately I’m currently writing without internet, so I have no idea what my last entry said or where things were up to. However the plans outlined in the original brief are sort of on track, so I feel I should provide an update.

Let’s start with an overview of work and such. Things are going swimmingly. I’m just finishing up the first year of the postgrad course, which has been enjoyable for the most part. I get a brief respite soon before the second year starts in September. All being well (and assuming I get the funding) once that’s out of the way I should be able to progress onto the third year, which will mean a dissertation and then a masters. But one step at a time! My clinical work is, for the most part, really enjoyable. Obviously you get the odd character through, but 99% of people are a real pleasure to work with. I’m constantly exhausted and finish a day completely fried, but it’s good. I just wish there was less paperwork and less politics...but I’m not alone in thinking that.

I feel as though I’ve grown in confidence over the past few months, I am starting to feel as though I am actually good at what I do. People generally have positive things to say. Obviously I’m not perfect – I make mistakes, I miss things, I say the wrong things. But I feel I’m moving in the right direction which is all that matters, right?

I’ve also been considering my future plans in recent weeks. I’m going to document this here so that in months and years to come I can look back and laugh at everything I haven’t done. Anyway recent life changes have made me realise just how much I want to see the world! My lovely sister lives in Australia and I’m eternally jealous of her for having the guts to up sticks and leave. So Down Under is the obvious contender for number one on my wish list. The plan is to finish this postgrad malarkey first, as I’m not one to turn down free education. However while that is going on I’ll be scrimping and saving and attempting to raise enough moneys to take a year out to go and see the sights. Then who knows, if I decide the Home and Away life is for me, maybe I’ll look at going out there permanently. However I’m far too young to worry about such things yet, which is not a bad thing at all.
However, that is WAY too far away for my liking.

I considered taking a year out sooner, but the truth is I love my job and I love being paid to study. So my plan is to entertain myself by taking advantage of cheapass flights and hostels over the next couple of years. The plan is to have a beer in as many countries and as many cities as possible. If I look after the pennies I can arrange mini adventures whenever I feel like it. I am in the delightful position of being young, free and unattached. It’s about time I took advantage of that! I have also just bought a lovely new camera, so I can spend my time taking pictures of pretty things that I see along the way. Once I learn how to use it. Super duper.

I feel I should also document my other bits of progress. When I set out with this I half intended it to be a way of recording my steps forward in terms of getting over my ridiculous phobia of singing in public. A somewhat unexpected aspect of my job is that you are made painfully aware of every flaw you had been ignoring. Work and this nonsense kind of tie in nicely on some level. Hopefully that will become apparent as the blog continues to progress...but we’ll see how it pans out. And no bugger reads this anyway, so what the hell?! SO! In true CBT fashion I decided to address this. After all...I’m no hypocrite, it simply won’t do to not practice what I preach!

So I decided that a graded exposure approach would be most appropriate. All I have to do is slowly build up to the things I’m avoiding the most. Easy right? Well not quite...but we’re making progress. Through the Yellow Pages I enlisted the help of the lovely Linda, a singing tutor based near Preston. I think it’s fair to say I was quite nervous initially but we massively hit it off. I was really fortunate to immediately find someone who is exactly what I needed.

Despite that, the first session was horrid in every sense of the word. Everything I was worried about and then some. I was unable to get a note out. However she firmly told me that wasn’t going to be good enough and by the end of the evening I was hitting a scale. Over subsequent sessions we worked on technique through LOTS of HORRIBLE exercises. Some I simply cannot do whilst some I manage to nail straight away. It’s very strange. However technique is what I need more than anything and I think I’m feeling benefits already. The difference now is that I’m able to give it a go!

She also made me decide on a song to work on. I made the mistake of choosing a song I liked. I will now never be able to listen to that song again without hearing her telling me off. It’s been fantastic though. Without seemingly meaning to, she’s slowly wearing away all of the things I’m most afraid of. By making me sing into a mic and playing back the recordings she’s helping me to overcome the anxieties around that, in addition to helping me identify how I can improve. However at this stage let’s make one thing clear – I still HATE the sound of my own voice. She keeps telling me nice things (mixed in with telling me exactly what I’m crap at!) but it’s just not having an effect. It has been the cause of a few arguments! But still, I’m going to continue. As I’ve said since the start, I have no plans for X-Factor, I’m doing this simply because I want to. Anyway, I’ve just read a Dave Grohl biography and apparently he hated the sound of his voice for years. So if it’s good enough for Davey...

I’m now at a stage where I really look forward to the lessons. I’m seeing it as a challenge. My goals are still to get a set together and get over the fear once and for all but I’m in no rush. However I think the biggest realisation is that it just doesn’t matter. I’m doing this for me and not for anyone else, which is hugely liberating. I recommend it. If I get to the stage where I’m able to stand on a stage and sing songs I love, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest if I get booed off and everyone calls me horrid names. The simple fact that I had done it would be enough!

It’s also quite amusing how the lessons have sort of turned into ad hoc therapy sessions. I feel Linda’s taken me under her wing a bit. We discussed things in a bit more depth last week. She was surprised to learn that I was completely unable to sing even in front of my closest friends. In addition, how this had stopped me from taking to the front of the stage of my band became apparent, despite us currently being singerless. The plan is to now work on some of our songs to investigate if I am capable. She also found out that no one knew I even wanted to sing, no friends or family. Indeed only one person in the world knows I’ve even been going to see her and he’ s sworn to eternal secrecy. (Although I have just realised that at least one person who may read this knows me in the real world. Oh well. Hi Martha.) It was interesting to have it pointed out to me I suppose...most notably because it nicely brings us back to the impact of my anxiety around social appraisal...and my original formulation. Told you I was good at my job ;) Anyway in time as my confidence improves I’ll be looking at that in more detail, and working out ways to get over it. For now I just want to get to a level I’m comfortable with. We’ll get that sorted out, then I can start convincing my bandmates to let me have a bash at taking centre stage.

Anyway. If you have managed to read all of this, well done. You have quite an impressive attention span. I will make more of an effort to keep it updated, and hopefully it will be an uplifting tale of one silly boy’s efforts to overcome his silly shyness, subsequently massive impacts on his professional and personal life. Or it could be a glorious tale of crushing defeat and cringeworthy embarrassment. Either way, you’ll probably get a cheap laugh or two at my expense along the way...and isn’t that what the internet is all about?

Will.