Good evening all.
This is my first proper entry to my brand new blog. I am sorry to say it is merely a distraction from the work I have to do. At the moment I have a 5000 word assignment to do in addition to an assessment document, both for my postgrad course. All in time for the 22nd January. Yet I can't seem to find any sort of concentration.
This isn't a new problem. Whilst at university I discovered I had an extrordinary talent for procrastination. A simple task could be put off for months, usually until the night before it was due. It's sort of nice to know that I havn't lost the ability.
So a few of the important tasks that have occupied my time over the past few days. I cleaned my living room. I cleaned my kitchen. I tidied my room, but not just the usual puttingthingsaway kind of tidying. I put unwanted stuff into boxes and put it on eBay. I scrubbed my windowsill. I took my curtains down and washed them. I set up my old Xbox. I then tested it extensively to see if it still worked alright. I then realised I couldn't concentrate until I'd watched the rest of Heroes Season 3 which I'd finally got round to acquiring. Then I thought while I was at it I might as well catch up on Prison Break. I've eaten just about everything that was in my cupboards, then went to the shop to buy more.
Oh, and written a completely pointless blog entry. But hey, we have to start somewhere.
Anyway, enough about how I'm fantastic at pissing time away.
A bit about what I aim to use this blog for, I think. Call it an introduction if you like. See I've had blogs before, most notably back in the days when MySpace was cool and Facebook was a twinkle in Mark Zuckerburg's eye. They were just social things, keeping friends up to date with what was going on and what exciting things had been happening in my oh so exciting life. But I gradually fell out of it and got bored with the process. This corresponded with a general disinterest in blogs in general and I pretty much stopped reading them in addition to writing them.
But with the new year comes new plans for my life. In the past few months I've started a new job, working as a low-intensity therapist for the NHS. Alongside that I'm on the aforementioned postgrad course at university, learning how to actually do the job...therapeutic interventions and the like. Whilst this means busy times for all, it's good fun and I feel as though I'm finally on my way to progressing along some sort of career path. Which is nice. As I'm probably going to discuss extensively along the way, my ultimate aim is to make it onto the Clinical Psychology Doctorate. Unfortunatley places on this course are absurdly difficult to get. Which means
everything that happens over the next couple of years is fairly important.
However it's not all about that at the minute. Starting on a new job and uni course has pushed me to think about many things. We all have things we don't like about ourselves I suppose. Over the past couple of years I've worked on pushing myself to change the things I'm not happy with. I've become considerably more confident and outgoing. I feel comfortable with who I am as a person. I've tried to make myself do the things I'm most afraid of. Slowly but surely I feel I'm getting there. Yet the fun thing about self improvement is it's never really done with.
So at the minute my thing is singing. I've been in a band for a few years, nothing special, just fun acoustic pop with a few mates. Yet I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be the one at the front of the stage. Despite writing lyrics and music for years I could never show anyone. Despite collecting all kinds of equipment and learning how to do stuff, my promised 'solo' efforts never came to light. There was always some excuse...always a reason why I hadn't taken the leap.
So in true psychological therapy style, I thought about why this was. What I was afraid of. What was stopping me. What I could do about it. And, perhaps most importantly, if I wanted to.
All that has led me to deciding that for the minute, a fear of singing in public is what's causing me most problems. Not your usual phobia, I'll admit, but I guess it's related to
glossophobia (speaking in public, obviously). I decided that singing in public would scratch the creative itch that drives me crazy every time I hear a song and get inspired. Perhaps it would quell the frustration that arises everytime I fail to write a decent song.
Again, in true psychological style - working from a cognitive-behavioural approach (it is the most researched therapeutic approach, after all...) I thought about what this fear was all about. I thought about the utter terror that comes over me even when all I'm doing is testing a mic before a gig. I thought about how it could be related to a lack of confidence, social anxiety, fear of rejection...whatever. It doesn't matter. What I was sure of was that I was bored of letting it be in control. So I made my plans.
Step one. Get a couple of singing lessons. I'm not planning to audition for X-Factor or anything...the key thing to remember in all this is that
I can't sing. But it can't hurt to get a few pointers on technique, as mine sucks. Also, whilst I feel like I can sing along to most things on the radio, I don't really feel like I know what my own voice is like.
Step two. Go somewhere no one knows me, and sing a song or two at an open mic night. Everyone sucks at these things anyway. What's the worst that can happen?
So after that's sorted I'll feel one of two ways. I'll either be cured and will go on to have a hugely succesful music career (or maybe just be able to play the odd gig, which would be just as good). Or I'll be so scarred by the experience I'll never want to do it again. But either of those will be better than looking back in 20 years and regretting not finding out.
Okay...let's have some sort of summary. What's this blog going to be about? Me, of course. My ups, downs, and anything going on in between. We might even have a laugh along the way. I'm a realist. I know not many (if any) will ever read what's detailed here. I guess it's more for my benefit really, so I can record my progress and what goes on. However it would be great if someone reading this were to be motivated...dare I say inspired...to think about things they're not happy with, things they're afraid of...and find a way to become the person they want to be.
Check that out for a purpose.
Anyway, laters. I've got an essay to write.
All the best.
